Member-only story
Clean BEFORE Your BBQ, Karen
I was recently invited to a bbq* at a friend’s house. When my family and I arrived, it was the most digusting scene imaginable. I have known her for over a decade and have overlooked some untidiness in the past. But this….this was on a scale of filth that showed it had never been clean, at any point, ever. And that she clearly did not care or seem to see the dirt.
*bbq in the UK simply means cooking burgers and franks outside on a grill, not a real bbq, with fucking actual bbq — that’d be silly!
We brought beer and potato salad and there was literally nowhere to even put it down. My beau asked if he could pop it into her fridge. She said “Is it still warm?” and it was, slightly. “Oh no,” she told us, very solemnly “if potato salad is hot you cannae put it in the fridge or it will turn bad. It isn’t safe.” So she placed it on the corner of her counter. Her filth covered, sticky, crusted counter. My beau and I just looked at eachother. “Maitai time?” I asked him.
I have slept in squats that were cleaner than this flat. There was no loo roll in her bathroom. No soap to wash hands. No towel to wipe hands. There were dirty dishes from days ago crusted in her sink. The cat litter sat by the kitchen door, untidily. There was not a clear surface anywhere in that room.
Flies zoomed in and out of the house and stray cats came wandering up to her bbq, which was sitting half a foot off her lawn. The cats were trying to steal some chicken wings that had been burned on both sides and called finished in four minutes, tops. I didn’t touch those. I tried to shoo the cat away without touching it either.
So I am at home today, sick as a dog because I did drink from a glass ( it had alcohol in it, but clearly not enough) and I did eat a burger out of some diabolical sense of obligation. I saw my partner eating one, and if he could do it, I guess I thought I should be able to also. He has remained blessedly well, dadblamit! I guess those years at sea are paying off for him.
My youngest and I succumbed first, my eldest last of all. We are all three still out of it today, more than a week after the “bbq”. I am not sure what to do. The auge took us first, and then the snotty nose and hard to clear throat.
